My Journey Through Trauma, PTSD While Living With FASD

 My mom oh boy, I have lots to say about this woman whether it's good or bad I have a lot to say. We have our differences, we may not always agree and we may get into screaming matchings that drive dad nuts, leaving him begging for us to stop. Yet it's just our way to show that we love each other and we care in our own FASD way, it took me a long time to figure that out, even if at times it hurts. You know Mom, if I did not take the time to scream at you and ignored you, it would mean I did not care about you. Thank you for always trying to be there for me and letting me have a shoulder to cry on. Putting up with my bullshit, or even coming to get me from school when I had trouble or had a bad day that I could not cope. I am especially sorry for all the stupid questions you would get from all the professionals when Wayne and I had trouble and you would get asked again and again if there were problems at home. Home was the only place safe for Wayne and I and everything wrong had...

A bit out of date but these blogs take me a while. Grade 11 started out great, but Christmas is coming soon,  grade 11 just sucks now I just don't know who I am anymore. I have been on psychotropic medication for a while now and my dose just keeps getting increased like this will help me, this was done to me before and it never helped then either but the professionals insist. I just hate myself, I feel so disconnected from everyone, and everything, there seems to be nothing that ties me to this generation, where did the self-reliant country people go. I hate who I am becoming the girl my parents would have never wanted, I'm rude, I'm mouthy, I'm loud, and worst of all I'm disgusting. I know Shelby and I am not that girl anymore, I was a cute kid, quiet and had a bit of attitude which is normal for a girl but I am no longer the girl my parents adopted.  I just don't know what is wrong with me but I have been sitting here in the halls of my school crying for hours...

 So about 8 months ago I got a job at Giant Tiger, it has been very stressful as this is my first actual job besides babysitting. Everybody is a little different, including me, and I have been getting used to the rules, and the people there. Sometimes I get thrown off by the way people talk to me, and it leaves me hanging and upset. Sometimes I take things too seriously, but lately, I have been doing a lot better not getting mad and storming off. Half of the reason why I think I am somewhat doing better is I am too mentally, physically and emotionally tired to give a damn about things and people, but that is another story for my blog.  A job may tend to be harder and more stressful for those of us with FASD, a lot more then for other people or it may be super easy, FASD affects people differently as our brains are all wired differently. So if we ask for help or ask for something to be explained multiple times, we are not dumb, retarded or a sped. We are just as smart as all th...

Well first off this is a blog about my experiences as "Shelby Survivor", and PTSD  has been a big part of my life and I want others to understand there is no shame in a past like mine. Another reason I think PTSD and trauma should be understood when talking about FASD is that those of us from the foster system will have a much higher chance of having FASD. Like 80 to 90 percent of us affected by FASD  at my support group Rural FASD has some kind of story in our life being crown wards or in foster care or adopted.  For me, there was the trauma of my birth home, where my brother and I were removed and as my worker said to me recently if we had not been taken away one of us would have ended up dead. Looking back from what I can remember being dead would likely have been a relief from what went on in my birth home; even though at the time it was normal to me. I have no connection to my birth family, and I can not have any, there are court orders saying my brother and I can ha...

 Sorry I haven't written in a while, writing a single post can take me days to weeks before I get my words right, communication is a major part of my disability, and I have been trying to work on myself. I have been exhausted for months trying to live with FASD in a world that does not understand what that is, and that has taken a terrible toll on my confidence and self-worth.  I have quite a few things started for my blog, lots of ideas, and lots of editing to do but I often feel so bad about myself being misunderstood that I just can't write, I feel worthless and it is like no one cares. So often when I say I have FASD I get asked what is that, as those people have never heard of FASD. Or worse have heard of FASD and think that they know what FASD is but really don't understand the complexity of this disability. This leaves me trying to explain for the thousandth time what FASD is, how it affects me, how others with FASD will not be like me, and that we are all affected d...

Basically, you shouldn't be letting people get to you, but some of us are more sensitive than others, especially when we come from an abusive past, and have FASD with a life that is difficult in the first place. When people make a certain joke and or rumor it goes around the whole school, even other schools. Nobody really wants to face the reality of high school, that you are going to get made fun of because of your disability, mental health, or a traumatic past. Even the "Popular" and  "Cool Kids" will get in on this as if it makes them feel better about themselves to make fun of someone struggling.  This is when everyone should be offering a hug or shoulder to cry on with some caring and understanding. Adults and kids are all capable of starting something because that's how some of them are. It is nonsense but when you're messing around with kids or adults with FASD, PTSD, etc. it is going to be way worse than the situation actually is, as we are alrea...

I had a really bad day a few weeks ago, I have been having a lot of bad days lately, each day getting worse, things building up inside me where I know I will have a major meltdown soon. I can't say people at school haven't been warned how bad things can get, but do they listen, wait till a desk goes flying. These really bad days I find I just can't cope, out of class, lots of trips to the washroom, sitting outside in the rain trying to hold it together, a truck drives by hits a puddle, and my clothes are soaked, what next. A lot of my really good supports are still with me in school but when you get just 1 or 2 bad people who do not understand FASD all that good support gets wiped out.  I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, I am so tired from trying,  trying in class, trying to hold it together, trying to stay in class, trying to keep my marks up, trying to make good choices, trying to choose good friends who understand me for who I am. Yet when I struggle in class ...

 So, basically, I have no motivation at all when I get up in the morning and people with this spectrum disorder FASD often have more trouble getting up in the morning as they are more tired and take longer to regulate than others. We often have trouble with our sleep, I do not understand why yet, but I will accept my sleep isn't very good even if I sleep for hours.  My brother has been waiting for well over 3 years for a sleep study, he can go from being wide awake to being exhausted with dark circles under his eyes in very little time when using his brain to do school work, which has confused people for years.  I seem to not do that anymore, but I will slur my words when I'm tired like I'm having a stroke, or I'll just fall asleep because of how worn out I am trying to do my school work.  When I get home from school I normally fall asleep for a few hours I'm so exhausted from trying to focus, do my work, and just hold it together when I am overwhelmed that I don...