Sorry, here I go again, it has been too long.

 I have not written in so long again, life has not been kind and I have been trying to look after myself. I have so much started for my blog, and just as much not finished. I try to write and some how I feel enormous shame, that I am such a mess and I can not think to write. I was to write how grade 11 ended as things were not going too well and my school team was struggling so much to support me with so little understanding of FASD and what that support would be like to give me real help any of us with FASD deserve. I can't say they did not try, but they really do not understand FASD or coregulation and then things really started to fall apart after I was raped. No one could help me including myself, being violated  in that way is so personal and leaves you with feelings I am still trying to come to terms with. I ended up putting myself into a program away from school where I could get a quieter environment, away from all the questions about what had happened to me.  Yet tonight a

Music, me and FASD

Have you ever been in a mixed-emotion mood or don't know what to do with the thoughts that are drowning your head that are unipositive and annoying? Well for me I do, I listen to music, now as I said in previous blog posts, not everything that works for me works for you, yet over time I have found this really helps me.  I use music with different genres to express my emotions and moods to myself, especially listening carefully to the lyrics to find the story behind the song. Memorizing and reading lyrics is so soothing and calming for me.  Like I pull up a song from about 6 or even 7 years ago and  I'll remember it, word for word. Some songs I find can be triggering when I listen to them because it has some relatable message that is affecting my life right now or is relevant to my past. Some lyrics really make me think and uncover emotions I do not always understand and  I'll just sit there and cry as I try to figure things out. I am not saying go make yourself cry, but the

FASD, school and mental health, the need for a Federal or Provincial bill to change things.

 So as Youth Accessibility Leader I get to hear about things, seminars, conferences, meetings, funding for projects all kinds of things. One of those things was with the Youth Policy and Partnerships Unit of the Public Health Agency of Canada, Government of Canada who helped me to promote FASD and mental health awareness in school. It sounded really exciting at the time as I am convinced a lot of the mental health issues those of us with FASD have are because we live in a society that does not understand invisible disabilities.  It is strange with a few accommodations those of us with FASD can thrive and do our best but meet up with those people who do not understand and prefer to blame or shame us and life can become really difficult destroying our self worth and confidence. When I first got into this project I was so sure everyone would want to learn and listen as so many say they are interested and want to know what to do to help. Yet by the end of the project my self worth and conf

My Mom (To all the adoptive moms dealing with family and FASD)

 My mom oh boy, I have lots to say about this woman whether it's good or bad I have a lot to say. We have our differences, we may not always agree and we may get into screaming matchings that drive dad nuts, leaving him begging for us to stop. Yet it's just our way to show that we love each other and we care in our own FASD way, it took me a long time to figure that out, even if at times it hurts. You know Mom, if I did not take the time to scream at you and ignored you, it would mean I did not care about you. Thank you for always trying to be there for me and letting me have a shoulder to cry on. Putting up with my bullshit, or even coming to get me from school when I had trouble or had a bad day that I could not cope. I am especially sorry for all the stupid questions you would get from all the professionals when Wayne and I had trouble and you would get asked again and again if there were problems at home. Home was the only place safe for Wayne and I and everything wrong had

How Grade 11 Is Going So Far

A bit out of date but these blogs take me a while. Grade 11 started out great, but Christmas is coming soon,  grade 11 just sucks now I just don't know who I am anymore. I have been on psychotropic medication for a while now and my dose just keeps getting increased like this will help me, this was done to me before and it never helped then either but the professionals insist. I just hate myself, I feel so disconnected from everyone, and everything, there seems to be nothing that ties me to this generation, where did the self-reliant country people go. I hate who I am becoming the girl my parents would have never wanted, I'm rude, I'm mouthy, I'm loud, and worst of all I'm disgusting. I know Shelby and I am not that girl anymore, I was a cute kid, quiet and had a bit of attitude which is normal for a girl but I am no longer the girl my parents adopted.  I just don't know what is wrong with me but I have been sitting here in the halls of my school crying for hours

Employment and FASD

 So about 8 months ago I got a job at Giant Tiger, it has been very stressful as this is my first actual job besides babysitting. Everybody is a little different, including me, and I have been getting used to the rules, and the people there. Sometimes I get thrown off by the way people talk to me, and it leaves me hanging and upset. Sometimes I take things too seriously, but lately, I have been doing a lot better not getting mad and storming off. Half of the reason why I think I am somewhat doing better is I am too mentally, physically and emotionally tired to give a damn about things and people, but that is another story for my blog.  A job may tend to be harder and more stressful for those of us with FASD, a lot more then for other people or it may be super easy, FASD affects people differently as our brains are all wired differently. So if we ask for help or ask for something to be explained multiple times, we are not dumb, retarded or a sped. We are just as smart as all the other p

Why write about PTSD and FASD

Well first off this is a blog about my experiences as "Shelby Survivor", and PTSD  has been a big part of my life and I want others to understand there is no shame in a past like mine. Another reason I think PTSD and trauma should be understood when talking about FASD is that those of us from the foster system will have a much higher chance of having FASD. Like 80 to 90 percent of us affected by FASD  at my support group Rural FASD has some kind of story in our life being crown wards or in foster care or adopted.  For me, there was the trauma of my birth home, where my brother and I were removed and as my worker said to me recently if we had not been taken away one of us would have ended up dead. Looking back from what I can remember being dead would likely have been a relief from what went on in my birth home; even though at the time it was normal to me. I have no connection to my birth family, and I can not have any, there are court orders saying my brother and I can have n

Sorry I haven't Written In A While But My Mental Health Has Been Crap

 Sorry I haven't written in a while, writing a single post can take me days to weeks before I get my words right, communication is a major part of my disability, and I have been trying to work on myself. I have been exhausted for months trying to live with FASD in a world that does not understand what that is, and that has taken a terrible toll on my confidence and self-worth.  I have quite a few things started for my blog, lots of ideas, and lots of editing to do but I often feel so bad about myself being misunderstood that I just can't write, I feel worthless and it is like no one cares. So often when I say I have FASD I get asked what is that, as those people have never heard of FASD. Or worse have heard of FASD and think that they know what FASD is but really don't understand the complexity of this disability. This leaves me trying to explain for the thousandth time what FASD is, how it affects me, how others with FASD will not be like me, and that we are all affected d