Sorry I haven't Written In A While But My Mental Health Has Been Crap

 Sorry I haven't written in a while, writing a single post can take me days to weeks before I get my words right, communication is a major part of my disability, and I have been trying to work on myself. I have been exhausted for months trying to live with FASD in a world that does not understand what that is, and that has taken a terrible toll on my confidence and self-worth.  I have quite a few things started for my blog, lots of ideas, and lots of editing to do but I often feel so bad about myself being misunderstood that I just can't write, I feel worthless and it is like no one cares. So often when I say I have FASD I get asked what is that, as those people have never heard of FASD. Or worse have heard of FASD and think that they know what FASD is but really don't understand the complexity of this disability. This leaves me trying to explain for the thousandth time what FASD is, how it affects me, how others with FASD will not be like me, and that we are all affected d

Being Teased About Your Past (FASD, PTSD, High School Edition)

Basically, you shouldn't be letting people get to you, but some of us are more sensitive than others, especially when we come from an abusive past, and have FASD with a life that is difficult in the first place. When people make a certain joke and or rumor it goes around the whole school, even other schools. Nobody really wants to face the reality of high school, that you are going to get made fun of because of your disability, mental health, or a traumatic past. Even the "Popular" and  "Cool Kids" will get in on this as if it makes them feel better about themselves to make fun of someone struggling.  This is when everyone should be offering a hug or shoulder to cry on with some caring and understanding. Adults and kids are all capable of starting something because that's how some of them are. It is nonsense but when you're messing around with kids or adults with FASD, PTSD, etc. it is going to be way worse than the situation actually is, as we are alrea

FASD In School When Someone In Power Doesn't Get It

I had a really bad day a few weeks ago, I have been having a lot of bad days lately, each day getting worse, things building up inside me where I know I will have a major meltdown soon. I can't say people at school haven't been warned how bad things can get, but do they listen, wait till a desk goes flying. These really bad days I find I just can't cope, out of class, lots of trips to the washroom, sitting outside in the rain trying to hold it together, a truck drives by hits a puddle, and my clothes are soaked, what next. A lot of my really good supports are still with me in school but when you get just 1 or 2 bad people who do not understand FASD all that good support gets wiped out.  I just want to go to sleep and never wake up, I am so tired from trying,  trying in class, trying to hold it together, trying to stay in class, trying to keep my marks up, trying to make good choices, trying to choose good friends who understand me for who I am. Yet when I struggle in class

FASD In School What My Day Looks Like, The need for Ontario Bill 172

 So, basically, I have no motivation at all when I get up in the morning and people with this spectrum disorder FASD often have more trouble getting up in the morning as they are more tired and take longer to regulate than others. We often have trouble with our sleep, I do not understand why yet, but I will accept my sleep isn't very good even if I sleep for hours.  My brother has been waiting for well over 3 years for a sleep study, he can go from being wide awake to being exhausted with dark circles under his eyes in very little time when using his brain to do school work, which has confused people for years.  I seem to not do that anymore, but I will slur my words when I'm tired like I'm having a stroke, or I'll just fall asleep because of how worn out I am trying to do my school work.  When I get home from school I normally fall asleep for a few hours I'm so exhausted from trying to focus, do my work, and just hold it together when I am overwhelmed that I don

PTSD In School A Cry For Help

 PTSD, oh suck it up princess, you're just faking it, you just want attention, you just want out of class, wonder how many times I heard those damaging words when what I really needed was a hug or an understanding shoulder to cry on. Imagine sitting in a classroom, a snowplow drives by with flashing lights, and suddenly you are seeing your birth mother being beaten, a drug deal gone wrong, your being taken from your home by police and Children's Aid. It is really hard to say what those flashing lights might bring back as memories or just a deep fear that I do not understand but I am terrified and at that moment and just can't cope. A lot of this was brought on by the school calling Children's Aid (CAS) after all it seems they needed an excuse why my brother acted out so much and they needed someone to blame but themselves. The moment I was interviewed I fell apart my promise of a forever home was gone. When you are waiting to be adopted your promise is someday, you will

Starting High School With Trauma And FASD

 Found this in my drafts folder, a bit old but I will post it now. Starting high school is scary for everybody but especially scarier for people that go through a disability like me with FASD. Because some people don't understand FASD and when those people don't understand me and know how to support my disability I tend to act out and then get labeled as the kid with behavior problems. We kids with FASD need extra support, we need help and accommodations to succeed in life but if people don't understand my disability how are any of us supposed to cope? People need to be educated about different disabilities that we can't be treated the same as other kids we need specialized help.  That help in Ontario is starting, we are starting to get some support but so often you will be on a waiting list to get help to only find  they can't help you because they don't help kids with FASD yet. That leaves my parents running around trying to find any way to get me and my broth

How High School Went After Years Wasted

 So, after summer break when grade 8 was done I went into grade 9, a little bit nervous as the environment was new and I didn't know if I was ready for high school, so many professionals said I was not ready and wanted to put me in a special needs school. I had wasted 5 years being scared running the halls, hiding in coats, tearing apart class rooms etc. It's funny how I don't remember hiding in coats but I've been told I had done that on many occasions. Strange but before I ran the halls I had been a good student I won't say I didn't need extra help, I did, I was really far behind my class when I was adopted. People seemed to take my silliness and impulsiveness in stride and helped me to become a good student. That all stopped when my brothers abuse in school became too much for me to handle and watch it day after day, eventually I could not take it anymore.  As I walked into my high school (St. Mary's Catholic High School) I felt welcome and I'll tell

It's Been A While

 It's been a while,  my apologies for not writing in so long, yet I am not sure I should be apologizing for trying to get my life together. I have moved onto a new school, high school which is kind of nice as I do not need to walk the halls of my old school that has so many bad memories. My old school staff tried to help me cope but they were unable to understand what was wrong. Of course for them to understand that they would need to ask some hard questions like why did my brother run the halls for a year hiding from staff he saw again and again but admitted they were not there, try PTSD people, your school strategies were abusive and frightening. Yet those school staff not there were real for him and he was terrified, hiding from the staff who hurt him. In my case, I like to say there was a little girl screaming in my head as terrified as my brother seeing what was being done to him but both of us unable to express our fears.  Of course for the school to understand that would mea