How Grade 11 Is Going So Far

A bit out of date but these blogs take me a while.

Grade 11 started out great, but Christmas is coming soon,  grade 11 just sucks now I just don't know who I am anymore. I have been on psychotropic medication for a while now and my dose just keeps getting increased like this will help me, this was done to me before and it never helped then either but the professionals insist. I just hate myself, I feel so disconnected from everyone, and everything, there seems to be nothing that ties me to this generation, where did the self-reliant country people go. I hate who I am becoming the girl my parents would have never wanted, I'm rude, I'm mouthy, I'm loud, and worst of all I'm disgusting. I know Shelby and I am not that girl anymore, I was a cute kid, quiet and had a bit of attitude which is normal for a girl but I am no longer the girl my parents adopted.  I just don't know what is wrong with me but I have been sitting here in the halls of my school crying for hours just hiding from everyone including myself. 

Seems I freaked the hell out of a lot of people as I never made it to classes this morning and a few weeks ago I passed out for a few hours on my way to my co-op sleeping on a lawn and later making it back to school very disoriented not knowing what was going on. No, I did not take any drugs other than what was prescribed or drink any booze, I know that would really mess with my meds, I don't know what happened to me. I just can't take it anymore, I can't stand to hear one more person say they understand when obviously they don't have a clue what it is to live with FASD, PTSD or the associated mental health issues. It is like Johnny Cash says, "Trust gets you Killed, Love gets you Hurt, and being Real gets you Hated." What is wrong with being honest and not caring about really shallow things like the latest fashion, who is hanging off your arm, why can't we just try to be grateful for what we have and be accepted for who we are?  Yet add to today's pressures, FASD, PTSD and attachment issues and you are in for the ride of your life. There is so much that needs to be done and I am not alone at least four percent of us in Canada have FASD and unlike my childhood abuse I can't get over FASD it is a life-long disability that is horribly misunderstood. 

Does not help that I have not had any mental health support in months. Seemed I was at my children's mental health agency too long and timed out of services.  Even though that same agency said I really really needed to go to my doctor and ask for a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder so I could get into a youth group program at the hospital. Then I talk to my doctor and find out this program no longer exists. My doctor wants help from my children's mental health agency for another consult at CHEO but they refuse saying  I did not medicate at first so CHEO would not see me. So here I am in school, with no mental health support, obviously in need of it but unable to get it, as I have to wait three months to reopen my file and then be on a waitlist. I will not reopen my file at my children's mental health agency, I am old enough now that I can access adult services. Will that be any better I don't know, but I know I need much more in-depth help than playing a singing bowl on a cell phone or playing Tisane symbols to practice mindfulness. Mindfulness someday will offer me relief but not till I can find the reasons for my anxiety and mental health issues in the first place. Yet this is where many of my issues could be blamed on childhood abuse and there is some truth in that. I wish people would start to see the school as my greatest problem not understanding how I learn and how I fit in there or really how I do not fit in. 

Here I am in grade 11 and no one yet has identified how I learn. I do not understand my disabilities, yet honestly I do not think my school does as well, some times I wonder if my IEP is ever looked at. Every quad, every semester is terrifying, who will understand me, who won't, who will adapt to my unique needs as a student with FASD. Who will understand when I ask extra questions it is not that I am not listening I am listening but I don't get it and want to learn. I end up after a while wanting to scream F you I am listening, I have FASD I am struggling and don't get my work, and I don't understand what you are trying to teach me. Of course scream F you at a teacher out of frustration and I will be sent to the office, receive a detention or be sent home. At no point will anyone question my behaviour as a cry for help; I know this because I have done it. So F you seems to be an unacceptable solution so don't do that. Then the cell phone comes out scrolling and scrolling to distract my mind from the frustration of not learning. Then it is the cell phone's fault I am not learning, so put the cell phone away stay in class and become more upset and frustrated as each day passes that I am not learning. Then comes the trips to the washroom that last longer and longer often sitting on the floor just crying or talking to others hiding in the washroom I am so upset. I will then be told I can not go to the washroom or be made to stay in class. Soon this will progress to crying in class or running away from class to not be seen crying or just not showing up at all. 

So as semester one was finishing and I was really stressing about my marks they were really bad,  there was a good chance I would fail or get an incomplete. So I worked my ass off for the final weeks and got pretty good marks, it was really hard but I did it.  Somehow I found enough inside me to pull myself together enough to get my grades back. Yet I wonder what my marks could have been without all the late tests and assignments that I only was given fifty percent of the mark. I get distracted very easily, so I struggle a lot with that, just the noise in the room or turning my head can ruin my ability to concentrate in class, which makes learning really difficult.

I ended semester one in the resource room with two very special teachers who without them I could not have gotten the marks I got. I find it so strange I can go to the resource room and I can learn. Yet one of the teachers in resource has a child with disabilities I think on the spectrum and he really gets me, he believes in me and does not judge me. The work I do in the resource room is the same as in class. Yet in class every semester there is a teacher who can not teach me and tells me I am not trying and all my marks will drop as my anxiety builds, because it is my fault. Add to this that I was struggling from  "Christmas time" I probably would have worked my ass off more, but Christmas is a horrible time for me and my brother but that is a PTSD thing. I wish I had more people who would understand what is wrong with me, I would do a lot better. Yet not having any mental health support to work things out certainly does not help. Yet trying to find someone who understands my struggles with learning, adoption, my past of abuse and FASD combined with PTSD is really tough I do not know I will ever find that person but I have to keep trying.

I started semester two not too long ago, and I am finding I am a little calmer this semester, but I always start out so calm during new semesters. I feel a bit better about myself knowing I pulled things together and got pretty good grades considering how bad things were. I have found that my medication after the dose was dropped has been keeping me not as hyped and I am able to sit in class even if upset. Yet I noticed I can become really pissy when I get excited all of a sudden BOOM I'm moody, swearing up a storm and very verbal and completely out of control. I came to think I was like this because of school, and honestly school does not help me at all,  but I am unsure if I can blame school for the intense anger. If it was just me at that school or people like me I would do great, but I often feel so alone. I am a very sensitive person so I take looks and body language very personally, I am always on guard waiting to be picked on or hurt.  I don't really know if it's because I'm paranoid, do not trust anyone or just hate people from being treated so badly, or being teased for my disability. 

My semester two has just started so I don't have a lot to say just yet. I will have to write a continued part two when grade 11 is almost finished and see how things go. So far things seem pretty good, I have what seem to be teachers who get me. I dropped a course I recognized would be too difficult for me to do and would drag down the rest of my marks, and send my anxiety soaring. I have not been given another course to replace it so I may need to stay another year of high school to complete my credits to graduate. Time will tell how things go, all I can do is hope for the best. If this sounds really confusing this is how my mind is right now with everything going on, and school is no different, I am struggling right now and when I say struggling I don't mean a little medication is gonna help I mean I need to just stop. just stop thinking, just keep going and don't let anything or anyone drag me down. Because I know deep down I can do it, FASD, PTSD will not stop me.

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