It's Been A While

 It's been a while,  my apologies for not writing in so long, yet I am not sure I should be apologizing for trying to get my life together. I have moved onto a new school, high school which is kind of nice as I do not need to walk the halls of my old school that has so many bad memories. My old school staff tried to help me cope but they were unable to understand what was wrong. Of course for them to understand that they would need to ask some hard questions like why did my brother run the halls for a year hiding from staff he saw again and again but admitted they were not there, try PTSD people, your school strategies were abusive and frightening. Yet those school staff not there were real for him and he was terrified, hiding from the staff who hurt him. In my case, I like to say there was a little girl screaming in my head as terrified as my brother seeing what was being done to him but both of us unable to express our fears. 

Of course for the school to understand that would mean the school would need to understand PTSD, abuse, mental health, and what it is to be a survivor, add to that FASD and it is a horrible mixture. Schools like to say they understand but do they really, they might have huge glossy pamphlets on mental health but trust me they do not get it. This seems to be especially true in the elementary grades, like as little kids we are going to be able to work things out ourselves. Really what is the deal why are there not mental workers in elementary school, someone who as kids we can get to know and trust. Really would so many of us kids have the problems we have by the time we get to secondary school if our mental health needs were taken care of earlier. 

Seems so odd but in secondary school, I have around 5 people I can turn to, and a mental health and addictions worker assigned to the school who checks in every week to see how I am coping. The funny thing was at first all the supports would say your dad is really concerned for you but we don't see a problem. Took a bit and it is better now that I can self-advocate, that if my anxiety flares things can get really bad, desks flying across the room, hurting myself, sometimes others, suicidal thoughts, completely out of control. I will say though I did pretty good till the COVID lockdown and school went online, that showed me how important having in-school mental health supports really are.  Suddenly finding myself at home, not being able to turn to my teachers, my supports I found myself lost again and my anxiety building. A lot of that has to do with my FASD and learning disabilities, I can't watch my computer, listen, type, take notes and try to get my lessons in my head, it just does not work for me. As the days and weeks went by I knew I was falling behind and that was really scary cause I want to do well in life and go to college or university. Hopefully, COVID ends soon, just like a lot of kids I really need to get back to my school my friends my supports, on-line school really does not work for me and many others, I wish I could express my thanks to those who are there to help me and take the time to listen they make a difference.